Today, we are going to talk about what to do when feeling hopeless. Today’s episode was actually inspired by one of our amazing Your Anxiety Toolkit podcast listeners. They wrote in and asked a question about hopelessness, and I thought it was so important and so relevant in today’s day, with the news being scary and everybody struggling and still readjusting to COVID, mental health, and mental illnesses at an all-time high. I really felt that this was important for us to talk about. So, let’s do this together. We’re going to take it step by step, and we’re going to do it with a whole lot of self-compassion. So let’s talk about what to do when feeling hopeless.
Alright folks, here is the question that was posed to me. It goes like this:
“I have been really struggling with hopelessness lately. It feels like my life has no real meaning, and I feel pretty aimless. The things in my life that I want to improve need so much work to improve, such as career, relationship, family stuff. And I have large parts that are out of my control, which feels pretty discouraging despite lots of effort to improve them. I’m working to accept these feelings and trying to stay out of rumination, but it does feel hopeless a lot of the time. What are you telling folks who are in a similar position?”
Now, number one, I so resonate with this question. As a clinician, a human, a mom, and someone with a chronic illness, I hear you in this question, and I don’t think you’re alone. In fact, I am a member of a pretty large online group of therapists, and I wanted to do my homework for today. So I left the question, saying, when you have clients who are experiencing hopelessness and they’re feeling stuck, what do you say? A lot of them were coming with these such humble responses of saying, “To be honest, I tell them the truth, which is I don’t know the answer. I too struggle with this.” Or they’ll say, “I often let them know that they’re not alone in this and that this is such something that collectively we’re all going through.” And I loved that they were so real and dropped into reality on the truth of this, the pain of this, and the confusion of this topic.
Now, in addition to that, there were also some amazing pieces of advice, and some of them I really agreed with. I’m going to include them here when we go through specifically some tools that you can use to help you when you’re struggling with this feeling of hopelessness or feeling like what’s the point and feeling like there’s no meaning to life.
Let’s talk about it. Number one—let me just be real with you—is I too have struggled with this. In fact, it wasn’t that long ago that I actually sought out therapy for this specific issue. I looked around my life, and I have these two beautiful children, I have two businesses and a career that I love, and I still felt hopeless. I still felt like this sense of what’s the point? What’s the meaning of all this? I’m working my butt off, trying to manage all the things. What is the real point? It felt a little like an existential crisis, to be honest.
I love that this person reached out to ask this question. I do encourage you all, if you’re struggling with this and navigating this, do go and seek therapy. I’m going to be giving you some tools on how to manage this today, but in no way do I think that my solutions are going to be exactly what you need to hear. There may be some of them that are super helpful for you, but I strongly encourage you to go and navigate them on your own.
Through exploring this, I found that there were some unmet needs that I was not paying attention to. I found that I was grieving living in a country that’s not my home country. So many parts of it were also related to my chronic illness. And so it was very personal work, and I encourage you too to do that personal work.
But, given that we’re here today, I also want to give you some strategies, skills, and direction if you too are wondering what to do when feeling hopeless. Let’s do this together.
THERAPY FOR HOPELESSNESS
The first thing here is I love that the person who wrote this said, “I’m working at accepting the feelings.” I think that that is probably the biggest key here, which is not accepting that they’ll be there forever but instead accepting that they’re here right now and reminding yourself that they’re temporary.
HOPELESSNESS IS A TEMPORARY EMOTION
Hopelessness, like any other emotion, is a temporary emotion. It will rise and fall, rise and fall, and rise and fall. It doesn’t mean that you’ll always feel this way. What we can do is, while we’re accepting it, I often ask my patients, “As you accept it, let’s also be very curious about any resistance you have in your body as you practice accepting.”
I’ve had clients who’ve sat on the couch of my office and said, “No, no, I’m accepting it.” But every part of their body is clenched up. Every part of their face is resistant. They’re obviously accepting that it is here, but also trying to push against it, also trying not to feel it. Yes, accepting feelings is important, but are you creating a safe place for that emotion to rise and fall within you?
Here, we can check in with our bodies. Where is this discomfort in my body? Where am I holding tension around it? Is there a way I can soften around this experience of hopelessness first? And that can be so important as we’re navigating hopelessness and finding meaning in our lives.
HONOR THAT THIS IS HARD FOR YOU
The next thing I’m going to encourage you to do is first honor just how hard things are for you. Often, that might be just a moment of saying, “This is really hard for me. Absolutely. This is very hard for me.”
OFFER SELF-COMPASSION WHEN YOU FEEL HOPELESS
The next piece here is we want to offer as much compassion as we can. We want to nurture the fact that you’re going through an incredibly hard thing or things. You’re trying so hard. You’re exhausted. You’re feeling lost. You might even be feeling like, “I don’t even know which direction I’m going. I’m just going and getting through the day.” We want to create as much compassion as we can for that.
Now, if you are new to the work of self-compassion, there are so many resources online. We have a meditation vault with tons of different meditations for self-compassion at CBT School. They’re there for you if you’re really wanting to embark on this practice. We’ve also got tons of other episodes of Your Anxiety Toolkit on self-compassion as well.
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR CATASTROPHIZATION
The next thing I want you to think about here is keep an eye on how you’re doing things throughout the day. I’ll tell you a story. Actually, as I did this work for myself when I went into therapy, I looked at my schedule every morning, and all I could see was just a whole bunch of things I had to do. It was just like a list of things that I had to do. It felt like trash things I had to do, even though many of them were joyful things that I love doing and that I’ve signed up to do. But what I noticed was I was looking at the day as if it was just a mountain of chores instead of staying very present and mindful, doing one thing at a time, and practicing non-judgment, curiosity, and kindness as I do those things.
BREAK THINGS DOWN INTO SMALL, DOABLE STEPS
What I’m going to encourage you to do is break things down into small, doable steps. When you look at your life and you think, oh my goodness, in the case of this question of relationships, career, work—when you look at all of that, it can become so overwhelming. Maybe sit down, get a notepad, and just pick one thing you want to work on right now, one thing that you can do from a place of wisdom and being effective and kind, and just focus on seeing if you can achieve and accomplish that one thing. Chances are, you might already be doing that, but there’s a piece that you’ve missed, and I can guarantee you’ve missed it—you’ve forgotten to celebrate the fact that you got a small step done.
Often, when things feel so huge, we finish something, and then we just move on to the next thing that we have to do. And that’s when things do feel like there’s no meaning, there’s no point to this life. We’re just in the motions, going with the cycles. We forget to celebrate, validate, and recognize the accomplishments that we’ve made. We forget to go, “Yeah, that’s a big deal. Good for you, you did that,” and take that time to celebrate it. Because again, as I said to you, I was looking at my life going, “Everything looks mostly pretty good. I’ve got this pretty severe chronic illness, but otherwise, things are going well.” But I realized I was just doing thing after thing after thing and after thing and not stopping to go, “Wow, good job. You’re taking care of your kids. Great job, you did something for yourself today,” or “Wow, you accomplished that one thing, and that was really hard.” We’ve got to celebrate our wins.
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
The next piece of that is, often, people who get stuck in the day-to-day feeling like it’s Groundhog’s Day and there’s no real point, that’s because they’re comparing their experience to somebody else’s. They’re comparing their day-to-day with someone on social media who has made it look beautiful, they’ve got beautiful filters on, and everything looks really great. We’re making a lot of comparisons between how they’re doing and how we’re doing. I want to encourage you, please do not compare your wins and struggles to other people’s wins and struggles. That is a recipe for feeling hopeless, it’s a recipe for feeling depressed, and it’s a recipe for feeling like you’re never going to be enough. It’s so important.
THREE THEMES OF DEPRESSION
The next thing I want you to do is catch yourself in the distorted thinking. Now, here is something you must take away from today—depression commonly has three themes. The first one is hopelessness—feeling like there is no hope. The second one is helplessness, feeling like no one can help you, that there’s no point, there’s no one can help you with your problem. And the last one is worthlessness, which is “I have no value.”
These three themes show up in our thinking and in our cognitions. I’ve done episodes in the past where I’d say depression is a liar. It tells lies all day. If you aren’t able to detect and correct those lies, you’re going to start believing them. Thoughts that are just depressive thoughts will start to become beliefs. Once they become beliefs, you start acting them out in many ways in your life.
What we want to do when we’re treating depression in therapy is actually slow down and be very mindful of your thoughts about the world, your thoughts about yourself, and your thoughts about your future. Look at where the distorted thoughts are and correct them.
We have a course on CBTSchool.com called Overcoming Depression, and the whole middle section of that course is teaching you how to identify cognitive distortions or errors in thinking and how to correct them. And that is a crucial part of managing depression. Because depression tells us lies all day. It tells us, “There’s no hope. You’re not doing good enough. You’re not good. There’s no hope for you. No one can help you. You’re just a piece of trash. You’re a loser. It should be easy. Why is it so hard for you?” It might even say, “Look at you, you’ve got A, B, and C, and other people have it so much worse than you. So, what’s your problem?” It just tells you all of these judgmental, horrible, mean things that are not true.
What we can do and what we do in the course, Overcoming Depression, is we identify those thoughts. We understand and acknowledge the presence of them. We maybe take a little look into what they’re trying to get to, what they’re trying to say. And then we work at coming up with alternative thoughts that feel helpful, compassionate, effective, and true.
One of the tools we use in overcoming depression is we pretend that we’re in a court of law, and we have this scene where we say, “Okay, if you were to bring your depressive thoughts to a court of law, would the jury agree or disagree? Would the judge throw your case out?” Often, what happens is we have thoughts. Like, minimizing the positive is one kind of distorted thought we go through. There are many different types of distorted thoughts, but let’s say minimizing the positive. Let’s say you did something positive and you say, “No. I know I completed that, but it should have been easier,” or “I should have done it faster,” or “It shouldn’t have been that difficult.” That’s minimizing the positive.
We would go, “Okay, if we were to take that to court, if we were to take that claim to court, what would the jury and what would the judge say?” The judge would not agree with that. They would say, “No, you completed the thing, and it’s okay that it’s hard. I’m tossing this out of the court. You’re wasting my time.” And so we want to be able to identify that and look at another example being a labeling distorted thought, like, “You’re a loser. You should be doing better.”
In a court of law, the jury would look at the evidence and go, “No, it looks like you’re handling a lot right now. It looks like you’re handling many things. It makes sense that you feel that way, but it looks like you have many pieces of evidence to show that you’re not a loser. Let’s throw the case out. Case dismissed.” We want to make sure you’re doing that because the chances are, as you’re going through these hard things, as you’re navigating the day, you’re forgetting to check the facts. We’ve got to check the facts in depression. It’s so important.
REMEMBER, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS
The next thing we have to do is remind yourself that you can do hard things. When the world feels like it’s a mountain of just chores and things in check boxes and to-do’s, we often just get overwhelmed with it, and it’s like, “I can’t do this.” I will say to you, when I actually was struggling the most with my chronic illness and I did get therapy for this, the thought we identified the most was this repetitive, consistent, nagging thought, “I can’t do this.” I probably thought “I can’t do this” about 150 times a day, minimum. Even as I was doing things, I was having the thought, “I can’t do these things.” As I was taking an MRI or helping my kids or working on my business—even as I was doing them, I was telling myself, “You can’t do this,” as I was doing them, which again shows how our thinking can really distort and make things so much worse if we don’t catch them.
We have to remind ourselves we can do hard things. We’re already doing hard things. That baby steps at a time can make small progress. There’s no race. There’s no finish line. We’re not here to beat other people or compare ourselves to other people’s timelines. This is our timeline, and we’re going to let it take as long as it needs. We’re going to be gentle. We’re just going to do one hard thing at a time.
FIND SUPPORT
Another thing I want you to remember here when you’re struggling with hopelessness is to find support. When we feel hopeless, we feel alone. When we feel hopeless, we feel isolated. We feel like we’re the only one going through this. But there are so many people who are experiencing this. Sometimes it’s just saying, “This is a hard season for me.” You’d be shocked at how many other people come out and go, “Yeah, me too.”
So find support in others who are in the thick of it, who are also trying to work on hopelessness, what’s the real meaning, and so forth.
FIND PLEASURABLE ACTIVITIES
And then the last piece here that I think is the foundation of this work is, make sure you’re implementing pleasurable activities in your day. When somebody has depression and hopelessness, what we often do in therapy, and we do this in Overcoming Depression, the course as well, is we look at your day, and often people with depression do not schedule pleasure. They do not input pleasurable, value-driven exercises into their day because depression often will say, “What’s the point? Don’t even bother. You used to like doing painting, but what’s the point? You’re not going to enjoy it, so don’t do it,” or “You’re not good. You’re never going to be good at it, so don’t do it.”
As we take pleasure out of our lives, it adds to this feeling of what is the meaning because the truth is, the meaning of life, who knows what it truly is? It’s different for every person. But a big piece of you finding what’s meaningful to you is acting according to your values and doing the things that feel lovely, nourishing, and yummy to you. My guess is, you’re not doing a lot of that. You’re not doing a lot of yummy, nourishing, pleasurable, fun activities.
I get it, depression isn’t going to let you have all the fun. It’s not going to let you have a 10 out of 10 fun. But even if we get a 2 out of 10 pleasure or 4 out of 10 pleasure, let’s take it. Let’s do it even just to get the 4 out of 10 pleasure, 10 being the highest level of pleasure. Try not to rid yourself of activities that used to bring you joy.
It’s also a big piece here when we find meaning. This is a really big topic in the field of therapy and psychotherapy. There is a beautiful book, which I would encourage you to read, called Man’s Search for Meaning. It’s by Viktor Frankl. It was one of the first books that were recommended in my master’s degree as I was training to become a therapist. It will bring a beautiful sense of understanding of making meaning in your life, and hopefully would be a beautiful supplement to the work that we’re doing here, and a compliment to you, finding what’s meaningful to you. Sometimes it means we have to reshuffle our lives a little bit.
When I did this work personally, I had to really go, “Okay, you’re working too much. I know it’s scary to slow down, but you’re lost. You’ve lost yourself. You’re going to have to slow down.” Or it might be, “Wow, your schedule is too full with just appointments and soccer practice and swim lessons and all the things. We’re going to have to slow down and have a little more fun. Play a little more. Sit a little more. Read a little more. Be with your family. Actually, be with them instead of just going through the motions.” We can’t get caught up in the day-to-day and not implement that pleasurable thing.
And then the last part of that is, I’m going to offer to you one sort of final idea for what to do when feeling hopeless, and it is, please try to stop fixing yourself all the time. In my experience as a clinician, the people who often do get hopeless and helpless and feel depressed are the ones who constantly tell themselves they need to be more, need to be better, that something has to change, that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. I want to offer to you that there is nothing wrong with you, even if you’re struggling with a mental illness right now. Try to catch your constant need to fix yourself. Try to just live. Identify what your values are and see if you can get your behaviors and life to line up with those.
This striving that we have today in our pop culture of constantly having to be better, constantly having to have self-help books and being better, that is exhausting, and that is not the meaning of life. The meaning of life for me now that I’ve done the work isn’t the grand things and achievements. The meaning of life is actually quite silly and simple. In comparison, it’s sitting in the sunlight and letting the sun hit my face. It’s just hearing a laugh of my child. Nothing huge, doesn’t need to require massive wins. It might be just holding space for my emotions, honoring my needs, identifying my unmet needs, and doing what I can to meet those.
I’m not here to tell you in any way that I know what the meaning of your life is. I’m just telling you what the meaning of mine is. But I encourage you to enter this practice, to leave today, doing this as kindly, as gently, and as respectfully and compassionately as you can.
You’re going through a hard season. These are hard times. These are confusing times. I hope that with little baby steps, you changing your perspective and giving yourself the opportunity to just do one thing at a time and slow it all down will be helpful for you.
Have a wonderful day. If you’re wanting any of the resources that we have listed today, you can check the show notes, or you can also go to CBTSchool.com and learn more about our online resources there.
Have a wonderful day, everybody.